Dear Mz. Pink,
Now that gay marriage is becoming legal in most states, my girlfriend has been bugging me to get married. The problem is I don’t want to get married. I don’t feel like we are at that place in our relationship to get married.
She has actually been pushing me into things since we started dating. First it was moving in together, then it turned into “loving’ each other, then it was no friends or only friends together, now she is talking kids and a wedding. I am not ready for this type of commitment. I actually don’t want to be at this spot in our relationship. I would love to just date her and not have to worry what she has planned for us next. How can I have her slow down, without making her think I don’t want to be with her at all?
Hello Runaway Bride,
It appears to me that you have a major communication malfunction on your hands. It seems that you need to step up and let her know where your mind is. Tell her that maybe one day you would want to marry her, but not today and that you two should just enjoy each other’s company and where you’re at now.
Tell her you are happy with your relationship together, but you want to wait for marriage.
Tell her you want to be honest with her and that you enjoy being with her, but marriage is something you want to be 100% sure about before you commit.
Unfortunately you may have to tell her over and over again, because she sounds like a typical “U-Haul Lesbian.” By that I mean she wants to rush in to everything. She’s the type of girl who wants all or nothing in three months or less. There are women out there like that. They are the ones who fall in love the first night and have a map of the relationship drawn up in a week.
Talk to her and let her know how you feel about the speed of major events in your lives. You do not want to be pigeon-holed into a family and marriage that you don’t really want or you will resent her and end up doing something that you may regret or divorcing her.
It also sounds like you are going to need to be the one who puts the brakes on everything else that is speeding by in your relationship.
As difficult as this sounds, it’s going to have to be your decision or you will really need to re-evaluate your relationship. The next decision needs to be made by you. She needs to know that you are in this together and that she can’t control every want, like or need in the relationship. She is going to need to work with you on all of the decisions which need to be made — yes, even down to dinner. She should ask what you want (or at least tell you some ideas she has about what’s for dinner.)
I know, it sounds so simple but it makes a difference to be included in the decision making process. Tell her you want to be involved in every step of this — IF you really do. Tell her she doesn’t have to bear the burden of making all the decisions and that you two are a team and you can work together. Hopefully, she’s not so controlling that she just dismisses what you’re saying to her and she listens.
If it turns out that she is just that controlling and working with her is not an option, then you need to decide where your relationship is going and if this is something you want to stay in and work at or it’s time for you to move on. It seems to me that you don’t like the direction that she is taking the relationship already, so if things don’t get better, don’t stay — especially if you can’t see yourself marrying her in the long run.
The work and effort will just exhaust you and make you angry and bitter. Nobody likes a bitter lesbian!