Dear Mz. Pink,
My girlfriend talks to other girls on the phone, Facebook and in texts. I am uncomfortable with this, but when I tell her she tells me that nothing’s happening. She says that since she is honest with me that I should just be happy that she isn’t keeping secrets and she would never cheat on me. I don’t know what to believe. I tell her I want her to stop, but she doesn’t or she gets defensive and tells me she will just turn off her phone and delete her social media pages.
How can I deal with this in such a way that I won’t look and feel stupid in the end? Should I even deal with this or should I nip it in the bud as soon as possible? I trust her, but I am also a little jealous, I don’t know where the happy medium is with those two feelings. Please help?
Potentially cheated on
Dear Potentially Cheated on,
I would say if you trust her to just leave it at that and move on, but I know that answer isn’t good enough since you have a lot of skepticism running through your mind right now. That said, if the move on answer is good enough, then you should just do that now, and know that she loves you and you love her; she trusts you and you trust her.
If you want an extended version of my answer here goes:
It is hard to trust someone who is doing things that are “normal” activities tied to people who cheat. I’m not saying all people who use social media, text or talk to the sex they are attracted to are cheating, but when you hear stories of a person cheating, they usually start with texts, secret phone calls and notes back and forth online so yes, I can understand your fears.
With that being said, first things first: Don’t go snooping! Do not look for trouble!
You will be sure to find something offensive even if it’s not cheating. Maybe the other person feels a certain way and is asking advice that you deem inappropriate for your woman to answer. BAM! Offended!
Do you see where I’m going with this? I have a few questions though. 1.) Are her interactions taking away from you? 2.) Are they interrupting personal time? 3.) How long does she normally chat with these other females? 4.) Does she tell you when or if they are inappropriate to her?
I ask these because if this is the case, then you need to have a real conversation with her and tell her how you feel (and why) and make her listen. Ask her if she’d feel OK if you were doing the same things.
I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but if she isn’t listening, give her one. Tell her to choose them or you. It should be an easy decision. If it’s not then you need to move on no matter how much you love her. Of course, she could be doing all of this to get a rise out of you. Maybe she likes to see you jealous and wants to make you jealous. If that’s the case then don’t feed in to the negativity. Try not to fuel any arguments or act a certain way when she tells you it’s nothing.
I want you to stay strong in your convictions, but once you open the flood gate to accusations and extreme jealousy then you open the same gate to fights, tears and lies. If her chatting with these people isn’t interrupting your lives (other than you don’t like it) then maybe it is best you just trust her and take it at face value. Tell her you don’t like it, but you trust her so as long as it doesn’t get out of hand — that it’s OK to keep chatting. I don’t want you to make a mountain out of a molehill and then regret your decision, but only you know how you feel, what you can handle and what you want to tolerate so listen to your intuition. If it tells you something isn’t right, then something isn’t right no matter whether she’s cheating or not. If you only have suspicions but you still trust her and love her then go with the flow.